The Wedding Night - Marathon S*x or Abeg Let Me Sleep?

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Expectations for the wedding night are high. The goal is to have the best s*x of your life in the swankiest hotel room you've ever stayed in after an exceedingly exhausting day, but did it always work out like that? 

It feels like when you’ve attended one wedding ‘production’ in Nigeria, you’ve seen them all. The script is standard; the only thing that is different is the cast and scale of production of wedding.

In light of this sentiment, I couldn’t explain why it hurt me so much that I wasn’t in Abuja this past weekend, as one of my ‘bestest‘ friends in the whole wide world, got married. I tried to keep up with the wedding photos and videos on Instagram, but it only filled me with more pain.

This had gone past having a severe case of FOMO (You don’t know what that means? Look for a millennial around to explain. Me sef I had to learn.) Anyway, I waited for the respectful amount of time to pass before calling her this morning. Wedding gist, abeg! I could not wait any longer. Don’t judge, okay? This is my Nengz we’re talking about. My heart.

So, here’s a short summary of the conversation many of the reception guests had with the couple.

Guys, go get laid.

Go get busy.

We’ll come visiting in 9 months. Twins oh.

*insert lecherous wink at KEN* Give it to her, well.

Why are you guys still here?

GO ON… Get screwing.

From the days of our forefathers, wedding night s*x has always been note worthy thing. Although more skewed to the disadvantage of women, the idea of that ‘first’ s*xual encounter you have as a committed couple, is a BIG deal. We have come a long way from people standing outside the door to see if the bed linen is stained (how gross!) However, with all the people who feel the need to wink at you on your wedding day or the day after, we might as well be asking to see the red stains. But, we’ll come to that later.

What I really came out of retirement to talk about was, whether wedding night s*x is actually all that it is hyped up to be. I’ve never been married before, so this is a big learning point for me too. Yay, Banter’s back…

For couples who practice abstinence, the wedding night is when they find out whether they’re actually s*xually compatible. It is that time when those who haven’t tread the path discover the thorns, or bed of roses – depending on how it goes. I have heard that for women who have never experienced vaginal penetration, it is a night that fills them with dread.

This is fear is normal, especially if you’re suddenly confronted with a huge erect phallus, and you’re wondering how or where it will fit inside your body. Don’t worry, if a baby is designed to come out of that space, the penis will fit. Just make sure you’re well lubricated. But, I digress; back to wedding night stories.

For couples who have been s*xually active, (either with each other, or with other people) the wedding night does not hold so much mystic. If you’re spending the night at a hotel, and y’all have never done it in such comfort before, then it’s probably a new experience. But generally, it’s a bull you’ve ridden before, just at a different rodeo.

So, what is it exactly about wedding night s*x that has got unmarried people full of anticipation? I mean, other than the idea that you’ll conceive your first child that night, or the fact that you’ll have ‘Deity-ordained orgasms’, what is the big deal? Evidence shows that many couples are usually too tired to even press breast. In fact, evidence shows that people who actually have wedding night s*x are the real MVPs.

Of course when I say, ‘evidence’ I mean my raggedy ass friends who can’t be taken out in public. Here’s what some of them had to say on this matter, when I asked what they got up to on their wedding night.

Idris, the Duke of Herts said: “Sleep. Who is yanshing on wedding night? When it is not Mills and Boons”

Anne No-Mates had this to say: “After you have done all the ceremony plus dancing, crying, screaming and being vexed at some idiot Aunty? You’re having a bubble bath. Who has time for that?”

Dapo Vee: “Sleep, my friend. Sweet sleep. Wedding night yanshing is for those who were virgins before. But if you don fire each other like 100 times before, Wetin dey shaq una?”

I think these people cannot be trusted, they like sleep too much. However, Anne made a valid point. The activities surrounding a wedding ceremony are usually so exhausting. People who are able to do anything more than plunk into bed after the event are truly heroes.

I found an article on Huffington Post on how some people spent their wedding night. Here are some responses below:

“We got back to the hotel, I carried her across the threshold, and we began to consummate our vows. Moments after we started, there’s a knock at the door. It’s my mom. She then said we should both come down and visit with the family. Not preferred.”

Nigerians will be able to relate to this one. You know that thing where they say you should go and sleep in your in-laws’ house because you’re now a part of THEIR family. How do you want to be doing all your reverse cow girl when Mummy and Daddy New Surname are down the hall. Just wait till you get to your new house jeje.

“We had our hotel room the day before the wedding. Got to the church, did our thing, had a blast at the reception. We leave the reception, my bride tells me her period started at the church. We walked around our favorite store and bought a new board game. We played Monopoly and watched TV on the most comfortable bed we had ever slept on.”

Aunty Flo! That family member that shows up unannounced – especially when you’re stressed. Actually, she usually pitches up at regular intervals; but during wedding planning and dates co-ordination, not a lot of people factor their cycle. This lady has ruined many-a-wedding night adventures. But don’t worry, there’s always Monopoly or Scrabble to save the night.

“We had a snow-themed wedding, complete with the guests throwing fake snow at us when we left the reception. It was EVERYWHERE. I couldn’t get it out of my crevices, including ‘down there,’ and I had to take three showers to get it off of me. We also had to call housekeeping to bring us another set of sheets, because it was like sleeping on sand.”

This one is a classic case of ‘Over skill na him dey kill Ninja” How did they spray the fake snow that the thing reached inside ‘down there?’ I don’t envy the fellow that had to clean up the crevices, man!

Anyway, I think I should stop here and let y’all weigh in on this matter. Married folk, what did you get up to on your wedding night?  Unmarried folk, what do you have planned for your wedding night? Yes, I know man proposes and God laughs… sha, still share some of your wildest ideas of how you’re gonna throw down.

Finally, those of you who like to nudge newly married couples on their wedding day to hurry up and go have sex, it’s bad manners and shows lack of propriety. Go pay for porn subscription if you absolutely need to fulfil your 3rd party fantasies!

About the Author: Atoke was trained as a lawyer in Nigeria and practiced for almost 4 years before she decided sitting in traffic from Oshodi to Lekki every day was killing her slowly. She now works full time as a writer and an editor at BellaNaija.