Today’s Recipe: How To Cook Recession Rice (Lol, Interesting Piece)

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A recession is a delicious meal that is served to different countries based on their economic decision. A lot of countries go through recession for various reasons- but it is always because of bad economic decisions. The US had a taste of it in 2008 after the financial sector cooked a recession and served it to the country.

For those of you who enjoy cooking, and love to make delicious meals, especially if you of the Fulani descent; here is how to cook a recession:

1. Boil water- Spend 6 months delay in appointing your ministers who you will later call incompetent, but also thereby stalling economic activity and investor confidence in your country. If you do not know, that was the point at which Nigeria began to loose FDI (foreign direct investment) and reduction in naira value since most foreign companies began to repatriate their funds in 2015 due to uncertainty. Commercial activities stalled with all ministries since there were no officials to give approvals. Most foreign companies did not know where they stood with the Nigerian government.

2. Add four cups of rice- Enforce a TSA account system (single treasury account) to create a very bureaucratic and stressful process of access to funds by people and institutions within the country. That was the point at which everybody across the entire country began to complain that there was no money in circulation- dollar price further went up.

3. Add salt- enact unfavourable foreign exchange policy by shutting down access to dollar by BDCs (bureau de change) and from people who need. It. No dollar for businesses to do business. Price of dollar then skyrocketed on the black market. Courtesy our beloved Fulani cook.

4. Add curry- Pursue looted funds while not keeping an eye on the fact that the previous policies stated above will grossly devalue the funds you already have. All the while ensure that your party members are not target of this pursuit of funds. Make sure that you obtain the funds at all costs.

5. Add spices, thyme, carrot etc – remove government regulation of foreign exchange so that the dollar can go into a free fall; also remember to supply dollar at subsidized rate for only religious reasons, especially your religion and not that of others.

6. Check if there is still water at the bottom of the pot- In the midst of all the above, remove subsidy regulation of crude oil prices in the country thereby increasing the average cost of living and consumer prices index of all products in the country and making life harder for the common man until they start committing suicide or massively seeking visa to exit the country.

7. Season to taste- Aggravate the Niger Delta thereby causing not only a drop in crude oil price but in production itself. And instead of negotiations, spend almost a billion naira importing Saudi forces to battle people who live in the creeks where the oil is.

Once you can do all of this, against the backdrop of a fall in oil prices on the international market, you would have cooked the perfection recession rice. Sorry it is only fried rice I know how to cook, I would have done Jollof.

You can drink down this bitter meal with a glass of ‘blame’ by constantly pointing fingers to the previous administration for anything that goes wrong in your administration.

Enjoy your meal.